Don't Blame the Holidays, You were Fat in August. (2024)

It’s a new year, new start and everyone is working to try and better themselves for the next month or so (or at least post about it on instagram with their strategically placed locker room gym selfies and excessive bumper sticker motivational quotes) Binge drinking celery juice and setting unrealistic expectations, we're ready for you 2019. Most people’s resolutions have already failed by now, and typically mine do too. (regardless of what I lead my mom to believe on our weekly phone calls.) And to give you a little background on me, I am by no means a pillar of health. I've never had that "runners high" (but have certainly lied about it) and I've also never reached that point where I crave workouts or "push through" and keep going when I'm exhausted. I typically spend my hour long excuse of a workout at the gym on the elliptical scrolling through instagram and then spend an unnecessary amount of time "stretching". I arguably never raise my heart rate. I am that person in gym class who when running the mile pretends to tie their shoe or check their heart rate just to stop running half way though. but in the new year, I've tried some gyms in Chicago and have seriously LOVED them and while i will not be competing in a body building competition anytime soon or posing in Gym Shark leggings with a protein powder promo code, I've finally reached a point where I don't loathe working out and want to share it with you. (thank you for coming to my Ted Talk) Needless to say, I certainly have made up an injury or two to slow down when I'm dying, but hey, you gotta start somewhere.

Before and After Photos

Is it just me or does every transformation photo start out with “I was hesitant to post this...” well you did Debbie. So here we are. Looking at your 46 year old body before and after you binge ate kale for a month. And where did you get those slu*tty underpants, your children follow you on here. Now I get it, you're proud of your transformation, just a PSA that we'd be just as proud of you with a shirt on or even your bathroom counter top cleaned off.

Diet Fads

I give in to every diet fad. I'm a huge fan of the easy way out and fast results. It still amazes me that I haven't given into a pyramid scheme by now or purchased a shady off shore timeshare. If you're ever walking down the "as seen on TV" aisle rolling your eyes thinking "who the f*ck actually buys this sh*t?" it's me. I'm their target audience. Now all these diets I've tried and failed at, I know have been successful for other people, and I know this because I've watched their countless infomercials and before and after photos on social media posts and asked myself the cliche "why not me?". I just lacked the dedication and persistence to actually achieve it. First up, bullet proof diet. Wildly successful for a ton of people, great if you love butter and bacon. expensive as f*ck. You're starting every day drinking butter, this high octane oil liquid you of course need to purchase through their website, and their special branded coffee. Other than that you're living off charcuterie boards and bacon. people say your appetite is suppressed in the morning after you drink this concoction. well no sh*t, you're drinking butter, I can't imagine following that with a four course meal. Next up, Whole30. it's a very restrictive 30 day fad diet where you basically reset your body by eliminating sugar, alcohol, grains, legumes, soy and dairy. you will need to google legumes as well as buy their book and pretend to have drastic positive results when anyone at your office asks you about it at Monday morning staff meetings. this diet too has been very successful for people with a better commitment level. I'm terrible at restricting anything, if you take something away from me, I want it more (just ask my exes. haha) Every January I tell myself I'm going to do this diet, feel the need to tell everyone and typically make it to around the 11th of January. I usually lie and say I feel "so much better" with "so much energy" when in reality I have noticed zero difference and have only loosely stuck to the restrictions and just have a huge caffeine headache from not being able to drink Diet co*ke. This year I decided not to do it, but for those of you that did, yes I pity liked your before and after photos on social media and I'm very proud of you. Next up, fit tea/ skinny tea and every type of overpriced fad detox tea on instagram that influencers are paid to promote. yes I've tried it. yes I've used your promo code to save 15% and aside from the laxative side effect, I can't say I've noticed a difference. can we all just collectively admit that this is just a scam? Lastly, low carb or Keto diet. this diet restricts carbs so instead of carbohydrates your body breaks down stored fat for energy and has helped so many people lose so much weight super fast. great idea if you love bacon and cheese and have the will power to say no to the bread basket when out to dinner. I do not. I can barely say no when a bad ex reaches back out to me after six months, not sure why I thought I'd have a different response to garlic bread. I also was already amazon priming every Atkin's low carb dessert within the first week so this was destine for failure.

P90X Fail

P90X is no joke. I got it when I was a freshman in college and told myself I was going to go all in. I was going to meal prep, binge eat kale, use all those little cups and powders and sh*t and .. let me reiterate, P90x is no joke. First off, it’s an at home workout plan designed for the f*cking military. Not an eighteen year old privileged white girl trying to avoid the freshman 15 while living off pizza and Smirnoff vodka. It's an extremely high intensity workout and food plan that uses cross-training and periodization (yes, I had to google that. this was not a creative synonym choice I tried to use in a college essay, it's in the program description.) I was very unprepared and am not motivated in the least bit. so I ended up watching majority of it like a movie. Let me tell you. I was unaware that in addition to this 30 DVD set that I would also need equipment. I thought this was just gna be like one of those Julian Michaels 8 minute abs bullsh*t for stay at home moms on the go. Just like “let me pop this in real quick before I leave for the country club with sandy.” No, ...so I brought nothing. 1 minute in we’re all like..., well not me, THEY are all doing pull ups from a bar on the wall, you know how people get those attached to their door? It’s like a pull up bar? Well not me. So I naturally sat that out. Then it was like “use your 10 pound weights and stepper for this one” I’m literally in my dorm room that barely has enough room for my one night stand to find his shoes at 3AM and lie that he has an early class in the morning, let alone a stair stepper, so I sat that out as well. Then eventually we’re back on the ground, (which is something I had) and it’s like another set of sit ups! And I was like wait, we just did sit ups like 4 minutes ago and don’t quote me on this but isn’t there some quote that’s like “repeating the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity” and let me tell you, that’s a term I’m trying to stay very far away from. So safe to say P90x was not for me.

Crossfit Fail

Crossfit is a high intensity workout based on functional movements combining gymnastics, weightlifting, running and rowing. (yeah I googled that. “functional movement’ ok then.) in my opinion, it has the creativity of a Mexican prison gym workout. you're just throwing tires around and ship anchors in someones empty warehouse. but truthfully, I've seen people get some awesome results from this, it's just not for me. Whoever said stuff like “it’s a myth girls who lift don’t get bulky or muscular” clearly has not been to this CrossFit location I went to. Like these women could’ve beat up every man I’ve ever talked to in my life. Not in a negative way, They were bad ass.I just don’t really think that body type would work with my natural build. I mean I’m already a little top heavy and have cheeks and need all the neck I can get. I literally get muffin top of the face in a turtle neck. The last thing I need is broad shoulders and traps that make my neck disappear. Like men with small dicks, I need all the inches I can get!Truthfully If you don’t look like a 47 year old divorcee with 2 kids trying to prove something after 3 months of CrossFit, you’re doing it wrong.Also everyone seems to know these terms and phrases that I was very unfamiliar with. I was like did I miss a dress rehearsal or something? Is this a performance? What is a wog?

HIIT or High Intensity Interval Training

Everything is better in the dark. Sleep, sex, HIIT classes. Nothing like Ray Charlesing your way around a weight station at 6 am with rave music playing. But truthfully, it works and it's worth the price for an hour session to get those co*ke arms. I'm not just saying this, I seriously love it...and if my lazy ass (that has a new excuse for why I can't exercise daily) can go to this class 4 to 5 times a WEEK and f*cking love it, you can too.

Shred415

Shred415 is a high intensity hour long workout consisting of four 15 minute intervals. Born from a desire to create an effective fitness solution for the increasingly busy lifestyle, Shred415 combines the infectious energy of group fitness training with the flexibility and focus of a personalized program in an incredibly supportive environment. Here, you control how hard you work, matching your pace and weights to your level and goals. They also offer childcare!Shred415 was founded by Chicago fitness experts Bonnie Micheli and Tracy Roemer in 2011. Frustrated with the lack of effective fitness options for busy parents and professionals, they set out to create the experience they wanted to see. By combining their 25 years of fitness industry expertise and their shared vision for a more inclusive experience, they created a concept that offers much more than a workout—it offers a family-friendly, athletic environment where people of all fitness levels can come together to reach their goals.

If you want to try Shred415 for a FREE week, choose your location from this link and email promo code OVERHEARDCHI415 toinfo@shred415.com

I've been going here religiously these last few weeks and I'm obsessed. (and not just saying that to nonchalantly let my ex know I'm losing weight ...BUT LET HIM KNOW I AM haha..) that cutie in the picture above is Derick Garcia. He's the manager of Wicker Park Shred415 and is one of the most motivating, passionate and positive instructors you'll ever meet. He is so passionate about what he does and makes those 60 minutes go by in a breeze with his encouragement and inspiration. (and not some cheesy "live, laugh, love" bs, he really means what he says and it really resonates and makes you want to work harder. you know meaningful stuff that white girls would probably frame and put on their gallery wall.) I highly recommend him if you're a first timer and need that extra push. Every instructor I've had so far at Shred has been amazing and has their own workout style but all offer the same underlying constant encouragement and support that makes this class so special. The instructors of Shred are SO dedicated to your success in their program that they're giving you a FREE week of classes to come try it out! If you want to try Shred415 for a FREE week, choose your location from the above link and email promo code OVERHEARDCHI415 to info@shred415.com

Barry's Bootcamp

Originating in LA in 1998 by celebrity trainer Barry Jay, now led by CEO Joey Gonzalez. Barry’s the original high-intensity work out. It burns up to 1,000 calories in one class, tones muscle, maximizes fat loss, and increase your metabolism so you actually burn calories ever after class is over. They’ve got the science to prove it. (and abs) The instructors push you to do what you didn’t even know you were capable of doing. The music, the signature red lights, the energy in the room, it’s amazing! Each class is different, you will never have the same routine - and never get bored! (take that A.D.D.!) Barry’s original class is a mix of running and weights. Reward yourself after class with a healthy treat from their smoothie bar!